I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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