Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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