I wish my penis had an off switch
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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