i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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