mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
