I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
