I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
