The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
