The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
