Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
