dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
