she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
