I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
