Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
