the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
