Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
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