I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Randomize
