how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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