the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
