The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Randomize
