I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Randomize
