My liver just broke up with me...
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize