I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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