a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
