I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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