im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
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