I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
