Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
