It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
My cat gives me a boner
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
