I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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