awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
