Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Someone signed my nipple.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
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