I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
