I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
