You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
