she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Dicks are not precious.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
