i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
