um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Randomize
