Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Randomize
