Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Randomize
