I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
