THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
