oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
