I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
