he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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