Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
