I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
