if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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