I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
