I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Randomize
