I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Randomize
