ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
i wish my penis had a tongue
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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