Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize