I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
