Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
And then he peed in my hair
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