Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
