just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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