At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
